Letter from Kivulu: President Museveni 2 Million Malwa Donation sparks off fight at Bar

So as the rest of Ugandans were still jubilating on how the 2016 campaign for the February general elections, bar attendants at Opiyo’s bar in Makerere Kivulu engaged in a heated debate on how the 2 million shillings would help kick poverty out Uganda.

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The self appointed chairman at the bar who is known to be a Mini-star at the country’s oldest university holds 2 liter jar of Chibuku; he shakes it well and sips before he clears the air to open the discussion.

Mini-star: You are welcome comrades, enjoy your stresses off, these end of semester examinations are a killer. My girl friend chucked me because I did not bring her here.

Mucoori: (Giggles) Konka Mini-star what do you mean? Yes exams are stressing but how do you bring your girlfriend affairs in this Kibuku land? Weeza Opiyo fill for me a jug, I goofed on the last number, may be this lecturer will sympathise with me since I brought him Nsenene yesterday.

A man in a black shirt passes, inserts a coin in the Juke Box, a song starts playing “Besigye anaingia, Towa Basi yako Tunataka Kifunguo” the lyrics go by and the whole bar gets up. Meanwhile two of our colleagues have not arrived from Kikoni.

 

All of a sudden, Mambo Leo enters with his unbuttoned shirt holding a Jerry can of Mkomboti, Fr. Mugimba (who works with Red Pepper) follows with a sachet of Kitoko, heavily sipping.

Malwa

Mambo Leo: Mini-star Kapyaki? Hope you saw our crowds today in Amudat? You know we are steadily progressing. Our party chairman has announced new programs for us me and you here. And Opio will be among the first beneficially since he hosts us. President has promised to give each village 2 million shillings provided you have Malwa drinking clubs.

Fr. Mugimba: (Jolly) Yes, yes Mambo Leo, tell them. I sink our group here qualifies. But before, we shall need to make these people cross to our party, bring their party cards and T-shirts so that we know they ready to support us.

Mucoori: Of all the things you come here to tell us nonsense? Why can’t you save us tax payers? My girlfriend today was complaining that she doesn’t have money to plait her Chinese hair. That money should have been brought long time ago and we chew it. You know this government is almost gone. Mbabazi is the man to support.

Mini-star: eh eh eh! Mama yangu! This babe is hot. We! So ojje, bambi how are you?

Museveni malwa

Fr. Mugimba (his eyes wide open): Mini-star we shall publish your escapades and sex tapes, we are talking business here, leave that whore to go. Do you know how many men have slept on her?

Mambo Leo: Gwe fara Mugimba stop your malice. Let our Mini loving minister enjoy the fruits of his work. Wamma Mini-Star go on, that is a steady progress. Make sure you don’t get a retake in it.

Mucoori: Guys, I am still puzzled by Museveni’s promise of 2 million shillings per village. Where would he get the money from? Minister tell us

Mini-Star: (reluctantly let go the woman) well, come again! Oh okay, you know guys, in Uganda, we have a minimum average of 60 villages per sub county and we have 1382 sub counties. This means that across the country, we have about 8292o villages. This requires a tune of about 1.6 trillion shillings to meet the president’s promise. Do you guys want to believe this?

Mucoori: Eh Eh! You mean it is that much? But the government can be deceiving. Now where does Mzee want to get all that money from? You see, our children told us that their teachers will not give them reports because they have not received salaries.

Mini-star: (As he shakes his Chibuku to take his last sip) you guys need to look into this with an intellectual brain. You remember this last week we were not to do exams because our lecturers wanted their incentives and that government had failed to pay them in time. Is that the steady progress Mambo Leo?

Fr. Mugimba: Of course, that’s how Museveni wins an election; you know Museveni does not have votes in towns, so this is one of his tactics of winning villagers.

Mambo Leo: What? Mugimba I told you not to disclose our secret, now you are spilling the secrets. (Jumping up to grab Mugimba, mini-star intervenes)

Mini-Star: You guys, this is not your home, we are here to look for solutions for our poverty in Uganda. You know Mambo Leo you have a paper at 8:00 am , don’t fight.

Fr. Mugimba: You see me I don’t joke with anyone, let me even tune in to Tamale Mirundi, (he remembers that Mirundi was fired and he resorts to his sachet) I will crush you Mambo Leo, I told you from the start that I am for Go forward. I don’t want you to tell me again you movement.

(Power blacks out, Opio Orders all bar attendants to take leave)

Opio: You see guys before you destroy everything here; People need value addition not money for Malwa You have been my customers ever since you joined university have you been drinking Museveni money?. Something seems to be getting wrong with the President. He promises anything.exam

Mini-star: Comrades, I think this will be the best way to kick out poverty from our stomachs. This new model as employed by His Excellency is different from that one of sacks and envelops that we recently saw from Busoga offered to youth. This is the best opportunity that we will ever live to tell our grand children about the free goodies of the NRM government.

The bar closes with members endorsing a move to start an association of Kavule Chibuku Drinking Association (KCDA) and the Mini-star promises to publicize it in all platforms so that it is known to the president so that when the president is giving the offertory in thanking us for our rewards of February 18, 2016, we have a good ground to be known.

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